Slay.me

Maude and John, both 81, lived in The Villages, in Florida.

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other’s company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, John asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.  They had a lovely evening.  They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink.  Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined John for a most enjoyable roll in the sack.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they’d shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts …

John was thinking: ‘If I’d known she was a virgin, I’d have been gentler.’

Maude was thinking: ‘If I’d known he could still do it, I would have taken off my pantyhose.’

A couple had been married  10 years. One afternoon, they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, ”Hey honey, you’re getting fat. Your butt is huge. I’ll bet it’s as wide as the gas grill.”

Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife’s butt. ”Yep,” he said,” just what I thought, just about the same size.”

The wife became incensed and left him gardening alone. She went inside the house and didn’t speak to him for the rest of the day.

When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, ”How about it, honey? How about a little lovemaking?”

The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. ”What’s the matter?” he asked.

She replied, ”You don’t think I’m going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?’

An  18 year old Jewish girl tells her mother that she has missed her period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test kit.   The  test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting  and crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did  this to you?  I want to know!”  Without  answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.  Half an hour later a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.

He enters the living room with the father, mother, and the  girl and tells them, “Good  morning. Your  daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but
I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs  and provide for your daughter for the rest  of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I  will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000 bank account.  If  a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a
$25,000,000 bank account.

However, if  there is a miscarriage, I’m not sure what to do. What do you suggest?”

The  mother, who had remained silent until now, places a hand  firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him….

“So, you’ll try again!”